I've created a helpful guide to reading a 25-50 year-old man's personal ads for you ladies. Here's what they're actually trying to say.
Hello. I am a male approaching an age where I am no longer confident in my ability to attract the opposite sex and am therefore stepping up the level of urgency of my requests. My own personal qualifications for being involved in a relationship are meaningless from my perspective as I find myself in possession of a penis. In all likelihood, I'm probably useful to somebody if I would just make an effort.
I am seeking a female that will go to bed with me who I will be able to stand looking at and talking to in the morning, with option to extend that to all subsequent mornings for the remainder of either of our lives.
I am not picky, but here is a list of things that I am picky about, which tends to extend to nearly every aspect of your being, most notably those you are not in direct control of and which I should probably ignore.
Please respond immediately, as each passing second in which I have not had a response erodes further my confidence in my ability to attract the opposite sex and vastly increases the likelihood that I will die aspirating in an alleyway under the crushing burden of a substance abuse habit.
No fatties, that just further damages my confidence in my self-worth as it does not properly adhere to the strictures of the modern male self-image which I have been made to accept for the last two to five decades of my life.